Heavy thoughts
Sometimes it feels like there's no point with anything. Sometimes it feels like you're trying so hard, and you are trying so hard so you're forgetting what you are fighting for. I have one of these moments now. It hurts. Im laying in bed now with the laptop in my knee and listen to music and it feels like my head is gonna explode. I should be sleeping. I should just relax and think everything is gonna be alright. Everything is gonna work out in some way, but right now I can't let my thoughts go away. The questions "why", "how" and "when" keeps returing to me.
I know Im not an easy person. Sometimes when I feel bad I so badly wanna keep it for myself. I want it so badly so I hurt people around me that wanna help me. I think that Im trying so hard so I fail. I don't want to be a bother coz as far as I know, to feel unwanted, is the worse feeling you can feel.
Noone ever said that life was gonna be easy. I think it is what you make out of it, but sometimes I cant stop wonder, is it really suppose to be like this? Every person got their own feelings and experiences of things, both good and bad, and a life that might look very good from another person's point of view might be a nightmare for the person who lives that life. Ofcourse you can dream of a life that seems good from the outside. You can wish you lived his/her life, but in my opinion you should always keep in mind that you arent that person. You arent sharing the same feelings. Think about it, what makes you happy?
The latest days I have been trying to relax and appreciate everything I have. I know there are so many people around the world that are having so many more and worse problems than me. Sometimes the bad takes over and you arent happy about what you actually got. All you see is what you're missing.
When Im feeling like this it feels like Im disappearing. I take a step out and looking back at my life. What happened, both in happiness and sadness. Ofcourse the sad things dominates. Its the sad feelings you feel comes back. Its like you are experience it over again. Very often Im thinking back to Friday 13th February 2004. It was the date when my uncle died which caused my grandma's 8 last days in life was in coma. She wasnt strong enough to deal with it. I remember it like it was yesterday. I asked my grandma before she passed out if there was anything I could do for her, give her a glas of water or anything but she was in a too big shock, and a few minutes later the ambulance came and picked her up. I remember I so badly wanted to do anything for her but I couldnt come up with anything good. Water was the only thing I could think of and I feel so stupid. Why didnt I sit down next to her? Hugging her? Anything. If I knew that was the last time I saw her breathing on her own I would probably said how much I love her.
Thats the scary thing about life. You never know what's gonna happens next. You never know if you're gonna meet your mum, dad, sister, brother, friend etc ever again. There is noone who can promise you that. I never thought my last words to grandpa would be: go to bed! Now, when the damage is done, there is nothing to do about it. And when I think of it, Im getting so sad. My family has always been very important to me, now there is just one left from my grandparents, and it makes me realize how short life is. There is no guarantee for anything. You just have to face it.
Think about it. Tomorrow it might be too late.
I know Im not an easy person. Sometimes when I feel bad I so badly wanna keep it for myself. I want it so badly so I hurt people around me that wanna help me. I think that Im trying so hard so I fail. I don't want to be a bother coz as far as I know, to feel unwanted, is the worse feeling you can feel.
Noone ever said that life was gonna be easy. I think it is what you make out of it, but sometimes I cant stop wonder, is it really suppose to be like this? Every person got their own feelings and experiences of things, both good and bad, and a life that might look very good from another person's point of view might be a nightmare for the person who lives that life. Ofcourse you can dream of a life that seems good from the outside. You can wish you lived his/her life, but in my opinion you should always keep in mind that you arent that person. You arent sharing the same feelings. Think about it, what makes you happy?
The latest days I have been trying to relax and appreciate everything I have. I know there are so many people around the world that are having so many more and worse problems than me. Sometimes the bad takes over and you arent happy about what you actually got. All you see is what you're missing.
When Im feeling like this it feels like Im disappearing. I take a step out and looking back at my life. What happened, both in happiness and sadness. Ofcourse the sad things dominates. Its the sad feelings you feel comes back. Its like you are experience it over again. Very often Im thinking back to Friday 13th February 2004. It was the date when my uncle died which caused my grandma's 8 last days in life was in coma. She wasnt strong enough to deal with it. I remember it like it was yesterday. I asked my grandma before she passed out if there was anything I could do for her, give her a glas of water or anything but she was in a too big shock, and a few minutes later the ambulance came and picked her up. I remember I so badly wanted to do anything for her but I couldnt come up with anything good. Water was the only thing I could think of and I feel so stupid. Why didnt I sit down next to her? Hugging her? Anything. If I knew that was the last time I saw her breathing on her own I would probably said how much I love her.
Thats the scary thing about life. You never know what's gonna happens next. You never know if you're gonna meet your mum, dad, sister, brother, friend etc ever again. There is noone who can promise you that. I never thought my last words to grandpa would be: go to bed! Now, when the damage is done, there is nothing to do about it. And when I think of it, Im getting so sad. My family has always been very important to me, now there is just one left from my grandparents, and it makes me realize how short life is. There is no guarantee for anything. You just have to face it.
Think about it. Tomorrow it might be too late.
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