s a r a h

It feels like it's the middle of the night but it isn't... The night before I slept so much, maybe that's why I'm not tired now... but the thing is that I feel tired. I feel so weak but I can't fall asleep. I feel like eating but everything I think of eating makes me ill. I just feel like lay down in the bed to relax but when I'm there I just want to get up. And something wierd is going on... when I wake up in the morning I often feel pretty good (tired ofcourse, but good) but the more hours Im awake I only get worse. Been like this for a while now and it starts to scare me. First the headache comes, then I am feeling like I'm shaking and the whole thing makes me tired. I really feel like going to bed but I don't since the clock most of the time are around 18, so I keep myself awake and going. Then I am getting warm, so I need to take off my warm sweatshirt, when that's done I am freezing like hell, so there are no in between. And then I also feel that I'm getting harder to breath. Like something is blocking in the throat and then I get panic and nervous and just freak out.. I am getting more shaking and needs to get away from what I am doing, just to calm down, and in worst case go to bed. I really dont understnad. What's going on? It freaks me out. And then I start thinking... and when I start thinking I think a bit more and it getting worse and worse and now I'm stuck down in a big black hole. I just feel so down. Feel like, what's the point with life? what's the point with me? I just don't get it. I know that people will react when they are reading what I saying but I have to be honest and I just have to get it said. It's so much thoughts that running through my head. It's like it never ends. When I think it's done something new comes up. I don't know how much I can take. Is the limit crossed? Is it close? Or is this just the beginning? I don't know but I just can't handle it in the right way. Some people think I should go and ask for help, but what am I supposed to say? What do I need help for? If somebody asks me if something is wrong, I'll say no it's fine, coz I dont have the answer. What am I supposed to do? When I was a kid I imagine life like a fairytale. I was so exited to grow up coz I would done this and that but I had no idea what life was. If life is a fairytale, then my fairytale went bad.