Downfall
I don't even know where to start. Suppose yesterday wasn't my day and I have a bad feeling about this one too. I've got so much to say but it's like the words are stuck on my tounge. Can't stop wonder why I feel the way I do and what went wrong.
For the moment I am so tired, angry and sad at the same time and as far as I know that isn't a good combination. Just wanna lay down and cry, but if someone asks me why I can't give a good answer. To be honest, I don't know what to say, I have no idea.
I guess I didn't expect life to be like this. Is this life? Maybe I had the wrong idea of how life should be and I am getting so confused when I look at my own. Feel so lost, like there is no reason for me being here. When I look around on people in my own age and see their lives I freak out. They have big plans for their future. Some of them have full time jobs, some of them are studying to reach their goal, and some are just happy. Good relationships that seems to survive everything... and then we got me. I have no idea what I wanna do with my life, in the future. It looks dark. I have no job, no good education, no plans at all. All I got is my son. He's everything to me and it makes me feel so sad when I think about it. It feels like he deserves someone better than me. Sometimes I have a hard time to even take care of myself. I am just so afraid that I ain't enough.
I am easily annoyed. Got no patient at all. Just freak out from the smallest thing, so frustrated. I feel that I get annoyed and it all gets overwhelmed and I don't know what to do. Feel so weak and wanna cry. I have no energy left at all. A single small thing break my down so easy. It doesnt matter how much I sleep because I don't get rested.
I got so many people around me who wants to be there for me but I don't want to bother them. It feels like I am a person who just causes problems, and I don't want people to look at me that way, I push them away instead of do something about the situation. I know I can't solve this situation on my own but I am so scared to make people around me feel bad. That's probably why I acting like I do. Sometimes it doesnt matter how many people you got close to you because you still feel this insane loneliness. A feeling you can't fight 'cos you dont have the strength of doing it. That's probably why I love animales so bad. They feel when something is wrong and they are being there for you, but they never say a word. Last year I was going through a hard time, very hard, and I so good to have the dogs around me. They were coming close to me and that's what I needed. I never thought animales understood that well, but they do. Damn I miss them... what have I done?
One of my cousins has a tattoo around his wrist where is says "We all die young". When I first heard of it I thought: "Jisses Christ, why the hell tattoo that? Unnecessary and he will regret it". But actually, I have been thinking alot about the lyric and I think it's fucking brilliant. You can look at it in two ways, maybe more, but he has a point. Think about it.
This isnt a very posstive text, I know, but I have to tell how I feel so I move on. I can't carry all this anymore. It's breaking me apart.
Now I am gonna go and meet a friend of mine, who isn't feeling very well. I hope there's something I can do to make her feel better. Will try to put my issues far away for a while. It's worth a try.
For the moment I am so tired, angry and sad at the same time and as far as I know that isn't a good combination. Just wanna lay down and cry, but if someone asks me why I can't give a good answer. To be honest, I don't know what to say, I have no idea.
I guess I didn't expect life to be like this. Is this life? Maybe I had the wrong idea of how life should be and I am getting so confused when I look at my own. Feel so lost, like there is no reason for me being here. When I look around on people in my own age and see their lives I freak out. They have big plans for their future. Some of them have full time jobs, some of them are studying to reach their goal, and some are just happy. Good relationships that seems to survive everything... and then we got me. I have no idea what I wanna do with my life, in the future. It looks dark. I have no job, no good education, no plans at all. All I got is my son. He's everything to me and it makes me feel so sad when I think about it. It feels like he deserves someone better than me. Sometimes I have a hard time to even take care of myself. I am just so afraid that I ain't enough.
I am easily annoyed. Got no patient at all. Just freak out from the smallest thing, so frustrated. I feel that I get annoyed and it all gets overwhelmed and I don't know what to do. Feel so weak and wanna cry. I have no energy left at all. A single small thing break my down so easy. It doesnt matter how much I sleep because I don't get rested.
I got so many people around me who wants to be there for me but I don't want to bother them. It feels like I am a person who just causes problems, and I don't want people to look at me that way, I push them away instead of do something about the situation. I know I can't solve this situation on my own but I am so scared to make people around me feel bad. That's probably why I acting like I do. Sometimes it doesnt matter how many people you got close to you because you still feel this insane loneliness. A feeling you can't fight 'cos you dont have the strength of doing it. That's probably why I love animales so bad. They feel when something is wrong and they are being there for you, but they never say a word. Last year I was going through a hard time, very hard, and I so good to have the dogs around me. They were coming close to me and that's what I needed. I never thought animales understood that well, but they do. Damn I miss them... what have I done?
One of my cousins has a tattoo around his wrist where is says "We all die young". When I first heard of it I thought: "Jisses Christ, why the hell tattoo that? Unnecessary and he will regret it". But actually, I have been thinking alot about the lyric and I think it's fucking brilliant. You can look at it in two ways, maybe more, but he has a point. Think about it.
This isnt a very posstive text, I know, but I have to tell how I feel so I move on. I can't carry all this anymore. It's breaking me apart.
Now I am gonna go and meet a friend of mine, who isn't feeling very well. I hope there's something I can do to make her feel better. Will try to put my issues far away for a while. It's worth a try.
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