What's wrong with me?
It feels like it's the middle of the night but it isn't... The night before I slept so much, maybe that's why I'm not tired now... but the thing is that I feel tired. I feel so weak but I can't fall asleep. I feel like eating but everything I think of eating makes me ill. I just feel like lay down in the bed to relax but when I'm there I just want to get up. And something wierd is going on... when I wake up in the morning I often feel pretty good (tired ofcourse, but good) but the more hours Im awake I only get worse. Been like this for a while now and it starts to scare me. First the headache comes, then I am feeling like I'm shaking and the whole thing makes me tired. I really feel like going to bed but I don't since the clock most of the time are around 18, so I keep myself awake and going. Then I am getting warm, so I need to take off my warm sweatshirt, when that's done I am freezing like hell, so there are no in between. And then I also feel that I'm getting harder to breath. Like something is blocking in the throat and then I get panic and nervous and just freak out.. I am getting more shaking and needs to get away from what I am doing, just to calm down, and in worst case go to bed. I really dont understnad. What's going on? It freaks me out. And then I start thinking... and when I start thinking I think a bit more and it getting worse and worse and now I'm stuck down in a big black hole. I just feel so down. Feel like, what's the point with life? what's the point with me? I just don't get it. I know that people will react when they are reading what I saying but I have to be honest and I just have to get it said. It's so much thoughts that running through my head. It's like it never ends. When I think it's done something new comes up. I don't know how much I can take. Is the limit crossed? Is it close? Or is this just the beginning? I don't know but I just can't handle it in the right way. Some people think I should go and ask for help, but what am I supposed to say? What do I need help for? If somebody asks me if something is wrong, I'll say no it's fine, coz I dont have the answer. What am I supposed to do? When I was a kid I imagine life like a fairytale. I was so exited to grow up coz I would done this and that but I had no idea what life was. If life is a fairytale, then my fairytale went bad.
X-mas
My lovely X-mastree
My little Santa
A happy one
Lovely
Merry X-mas
No name.
Me gustaria comprarte flores cada dia
Hacer cada dia una vacacion
Y hablar mas y mas y mas de ti
De las cosas que haces
Hacer cada dia una vacacion
Y hablar mas y mas y mas de ti
De las cosas que haces
Me gusta espanõl.
Hasta la vista!
Hasta la vista!
Why?
I'm no Barbie doll.
I'm not your baby girl.
I've done ugly things, and I have made mistakes... and I am not as pretty as those girls in magazines.
I am rotten to my core if they're to be believed.
So what if I'm no baby bird hanging upon your every word.
Nothing ever smells of roses that rises out of mud
Why do you love me?
Why do you love me?
It's driving me crazy!
You're not some little boy.
Why you acting so surprised?
You're sick of all the rules, well I'm sick of all your lies.
Now I've held back a wealth of shit but I think I'm gonna choke.
I'm standing in the shadows with the words stuck in my throat.
Does it really come as a surprise when I tell you I don't feel good?
That nothing ever came from nothing, man...
Oh, man, ain't that the truth.
I'm not your baby girl.
I've done ugly things, and I have made mistakes... and I am not as pretty as those girls in magazines.
I am rotten to my core if they're to be believed.
So what if I'm no baby bird hanging upon your every word.
Nothing ever smells of roses that rises out of mud
Why do you love me?
Why do you love me?
It's driving me crazy!
You're not some little boy.
Why you acting so surprised?
You're sick of all the rules, well I'm sick of all your lies.
Now I've held back a wealth of shit but I think I'm gonna choke.
I'm standing in the shadows with the words stuck in my throat.
Does it really come as a surprise when I tell you I don't feel good?
That nothing ever came from nothing, man...
Oh, man, ain't that the truth.
Fool for love and fool on fire.
Merry fucking X-mas
Rah rah, ah ah ahh,
rah muh, rah muh muh,
GaGa, ohh lala
Want your bad romance.
Yes, I am obsessed with that song. Nearly freaking scary but's aswesome. It's hot!
I am a bit confused.. I'm not really sure of what day it is. Yesterday it felt like Thursday, maybe Friday aswell, but today? Well, if I should listen to me feelings it's Sunday but also a bit of Friday, but infact - I'm not even close! It's Wednesday. But I do know one thing, it's Christmas tomorrow. Prepard? No not really. I'm a bit unsure about some gifts so I'm going to the village as soon as Jr wakes up. I made a deal with myself. If I find any gifts I will buy them, it's destiny, if not - it wasnt meant to be. Sorted.
Otherwise? Well, I'm tired, as usual, and I'm starting to feel better about the whole Christmasthing. A while ago I was soo against it, and it's not me, but I forced myself to deal with all decoration and now it feels pretty good. Better than I thought.
Yesterday I spent the day in Uddevalla and then I brought Rebecca with me to my house. We cooked a lovely Christmasmeal for supper and ofcouse we drank a glas of wine or two.
Today I've been doing nothing! Nothing fun atleast... I have fixed some things in the bathroom, which was needed, and I've been looking my ass of for a garantee paper. I can't find it, and it's so annoying coz I'm that kind of person who always know where I put all bills, garantees etc but not this one, ofcouse. Just because I need it. Going down in the basement later. That's my last hope.
Christmasplans?
Yeah, tomorrow we will go to Johan's parents I think. Eat, watch TV, wait for Santa. ;)
25th I will go to my parents and celebrate with them and grandma (with her broken leg), and I don't know if I'm gonna sleepover there or if I'm going home again. Depens on waether too ofcourse. We had about -18 here, it was insanly cold. Freezing like hell, but yesterday it was only -5 and then it started to snow again. It's been snowing today aswell, but not that much as yesterday, and it's even warmer today. Just about -2. Aslong as Christmas is white I'm happy. Then it can start rain or whatever, I don't care.
Now Jr woke up and it's time to get ready for the village. See if there's gonna be any more presents. :)
I'll be back but if not... Merry Christmas!
XX
rah muh, rah muh muh,
GaGa, ohh lala
Want your bad romance.
Yes, I am obsessed with that song. Nearly freaking scary but's aswesome. It's hot!
I am a bit confused.. I'm not really sure of what day it is. Yesterday it felt like Thursday, maybe Friday aswell, but today? Well, if I should listen to me feelings it's Sunday but also a bit of Friday, but infact - I'm not even close! It's Wednesday. But I do know one thing, it's Christmas tomorrow. Prepard? No not really. I'm a bit unsure about some gifts so I'm going to the village as soon as Jr wakes up. I made a deal with myself. If I find any gifts I will buy them, it's destiny, if not - it wasnt meant to be. Sorted.
Otherwise? Well, I'm tired, as usual, and I'm starting to feel better about the whole Christmasthing. A while ago I was soo against it, and it's not me, but I forced myself to deal with all decoration and now it feels pretty good. Better than I thought.
Yesterday I spent the day in Uddevalla and then I brought Rebecca with me to my house. We cooked a lovely Christmasmeal for supper and ofcouse we drank a glas of wine or two.
Today I've been doing nothing! Nothing fun atleast... I have fixed some things in the bathroom, which was needed, and I've been looking my ass of for a garantee paper. I can't find it, and it's so annoying coz I'm that kind of person who always know where I put all bills, garantees etc but not this one, ofcouse. Just because I need it. Going down in the basement later. That's my last hope.
Christmasplans?
Yeah, tomorrow we will go to Johan's parents I think. Eat, watch TV, wait for Santa. ;)
25th I will go to my parents and celebrate with them and grandma (with her broken leg), and I don't know if I'm gonna sleepover there or if I'm going home again. Depens on waether too ofcourse. We had about -18 here, it was insanly cold. Freezing like hell, but yesterday it was only -5 and then it started to snow again. It's been snowing today aswell, but not that much as yesterday, and it's even warmer today. Just about -2. Aslong as Christmas is white I'm happy. Then it can start rain or whatever, I don't care.
Now Jr woke up and it's time to get ready for the village. See if there's gonna be any more presents. :)
I'll be back but if not... Merry Christmas!
XX
Downfall
I don't even know where to start. Suppose yesterday wasn't my day and I have a bad feeling about this one too. I've got so much to say but it's like the words are stuck on my tounge. Can't stop wonder why I feel the way I do and what went wrong.
For the moment I am so tired, angry and sad at the same time and as far as I know that isn't a good combination. Just wanna lay down and cry, but if someone asks me why I can't give a good answer. To be honest, I don't know what to say, I have no idea.
I guess I didn't expect life to be like this. Is this life? Maybe I had the wrong idea of how life should be and I am getting so confused when I look at my own. Feel so lost, like there is no reason for me being here. When I look around on people in my own age and see their lives I freak out. They have big plans for their future. Some of them have full time jobs, some of them are studying to reach their goal, and some are just happy. Good relationships that seems to survive everything... and then we got me. I have no idea what I wanna do with my life, in the future. It looks dark. I have no job, no good education, no plans at all. All I got is my son. He's everything to me and it makes me feel so sad when I think about it. It feels like he deserves someone better than me. Sometimes I have a hard time to even take care of myself. I am just so afraid that I ain't enough.
I am easily annoyed. Got no patient at all. Just freak out from the smallest thing, so frustrated. I feel that I get annoyed and it all gets overwhelmed and I don't know what to do. Feel so weak and wanna cry. I have no energy left at all. A single small thing break my down so easy. It doesnt matter how much I sleep because I don't get rested.
I got so many people around me who wants to be there for me but I don't want to bother them. It feels like I am a person who just causes problems, and I don't want people to look at me that way, I push them away instead of do something about the situation. I know I can't solve this situation on my own but I am so scared to make people around me feel bad. That's probably why I acting like I do. Sometimes it doesnt matter how many people you got close to you because you still feel this insane loneliness. A feeling you can't fight 'cos you dont have the strength of doing it. That's probably why I love animales so bad. They feel when something is wrong and they are being there for you, but they never say a word. Last year I was going through a hard time, very hard, and I so good to have the dogs around me. They were coming close to me and that's what I needed. I never thought animales understood that well, but they do. Damn I miss them... what have I done?
One of my cousins has a tattoo around his wrist where is says "We all die young". When I first heard of it I thought: "Jisses Christ, why the hell tattoo that? Unnecessary and he will regret it". But actually, I have been thinking alot about the lyric and I think it's fucking brilliant. You can look at it in two ways, maybe more, but he has a point. Think about it.
This isnt a very posstive text, I know, but I have to tell how I feel so I move on. I can't carry all this anymore. It's breaking me apart.
Now I am gonna go and meet a friend of mine, who isn't feeling very well. I hope there's something I can do to make her feel better. Will try to put my issues far away for a while. It's worth a try.
For the moment I am so tired, angry and sad at the same time and as far as I know that isn't a good combination. Just wanna lay down and cry, but if someone asks me why I can't give a good answer. To be honest, I don't know what to say, I have no idea.
I guess I didn't expect life to be like this. Is this life? Maybe I had the wrong idea of how life should be and I am getting so confused when I look at my own. Feel so lost, like there is no reason for me being here. When I look around on people in my own age and see their lives I freak out. They have big plans for their future. Some of them have full time jobs, some of them are studying to reach their goal, and some are just happy. Good relationships that seems to survive everything... and then we got me. I have no idea what I wanna do with my life, in the future. It looks dark. I have no job, no good education, no plans at all. All I got is my son. He's everything to me and it makes me feel so sad when I think about it. It feels like he deserves someone better than me. Sometimes I have a hard time to even take care of myself. I am just so afraid that I ain't enough.
I am easily annoyed. Got no patient at all. Just freak out from the smallest thing, so frustrated. I feel that I get annoyed and it all gets overwhelmed and I don't know what to do. Feel so weak and wanna cry. I have no energy left at all. A single small thing break my down so easy. It doesnt matter how much I sleep because I don't get rested.
I got so many people around me who wants to be there for me but I don't want to bother them. It feels like I am a person who just causes problems, and I don't want people to look at me that way, I push them away instead of do something about the situation. I know I can't solve this situation on my own but I am so scared to make people around me feel bad. That's probably why I acting like I do. Sometimes it doesnt matter how many people you got close to you because you still feel this insane loneliness. A feeling you can't fight 'cos you dont have the strength of doing it. That's probably why I love animales so bad. They feel when something is wrong and they are being there for you, but they never say a word. Last year I was going through a hard time, very hard, and I so good to have the dogs around me. They were coming close to me and that's what I needed. I never thought animales understood that well, but they do. Damn I miss them... what have I done?
One of my cousins has a tattoo around his wrist where is says "We all die young". When I first heard of it I thought: "Jisses Christ, why the hell tattoo that? Unnecessary and he will regret it". But actually, I have been thinking alot about the lyric and I think it's fucking brilliant. You can look at it in two ways, maybe more, but he has a point. Think about it.
This isnt a very posstive text, I know, but I have to tell how I feel so I move on. I can't carry all this anymore. It's breaking me apart.
Now I am gonna go and meet a friend of mine, who isn't feeling very well. I hope there's something I can do to make her feel better. Will try to put my issues far away for a while. It's worth a try.
Right round, like a record.
Sitting here, a regular Saturdaynight, and listen to some nice music. Partymusic according to me. :)
Tomorrow, or today (depens on how you look at it), is Lucia! It means like it's 11 days to X-mas. Jisses, I am freaking out! By this time I usually have Santa Clauses all over the apartment and are planing to get my x-mastree but this year, no. I dont know why but I just dont feel like it. I gotta be sick. Thank god that I am going to the doc on Tuesday. Maybe she can tell me what's wrong with me. Atleast give me a clue.
Well, maybe I wake up in a few hours and feel that it's time to get my Santas, then I would feel a bit calmer. Back on track. But for the moment, no I dont think so.
I really should go to bed but I dont feel like doing it. A big cold bed, in the dark, in a cold room. Not very tempted. Dont even got the doggie who usually follow me to bed. But I guess I have to... soon atleast. Jr will wake up pretty "soon" and I didnt sleep much at all the night before. Suppose I am too tired to sleep.
Will probably fly one more time around Basin and get some mines, and then off to bed. Maybe... :P
Shit, this is just boring. Sitting here and typing empty words. Pointless.
I guess this is it for tonight.
Atleast it has been an interesting day. Confusing, but still interesting.
Take care.
Love /S
Tomorrow, or today (depens on how you look at it), is Lucia! It means like it's 11 days to X-mas. Jisses, I am freaking out! By this time I usually have Santa Clauses all over the apartment and are planing to get my x-mastree but this year, no. I dont know why but I just dont feel like it. I gotta be sick. Thank god that I am going to the doc on Tuesday. Maybe she can tell me what's wrong with me. Atleast give me a clue.
Well, maybe I wake up in a few hours and feel that it's time to get my Santas, then I would feel a bit calmer. Back on track. But for the moment, no I dont think so.
I really should go to bed but I dont feel like doing it. A big cold bed, in the dark, in a cold room. Not very tempted. Dont even got the doggie who usually follow me to bed. But I guess I have to... soon atleast. Jr will wake up pretty "soon" and I didnt sleep much at all the night before. Suppose I am too tired to sleep.
Will probably fly one more time around Basin and get some mines, and then off to bed. Maybe... :P
Shit, this is just boring. Sitting here and typing empty words. Pointless.
I guess this is it for tonight.
Atleast it has been an interesting day. Confusing, but still interesting.
Take care.
Love /S
Back to wonderland
There's a girl in my mirror, I wonder who she is.
Sometimes I think I know her, sometimes I really wish I did.
I can tell from her eyes that something is wrong. I wish there were something I could do.
She never says a word, but it's not needed. Her eyes tells me everything and I can tell her world is falling apart.
I just wish there were something I could do, but the girl in my mirror is me.
Sometimes I think I know her, sometimes I really wish I did.
I can tell from her eyes that something is wrong. I wish there were something I could do.
She never says a word, but it's not needed. Her eyes tells me everything and I can tell her world is falling apart.
I just wish there were something I could do, but the girl in my mirror is me.
Cruel life
If you wern't here,
I wouldn't be here.
Without you, this life ain't worth living.
"If you fall down, you stay down, you'll never get up"
Perfect girl
It only seems like yesterday when you came and took me over.
Believing every word you say, you had me hypnotised.
But now I realise the dream we had is just a lie.
And my heart is calling, calling.
No more lies, I won't cry for tomorrow
Read my mind, are you blind to this sorrow?
You need the perfect girl to fit inside your perfect world
It's something I'll never be.
You know it's not me.
Another day in paradise?
I dont think so.
I dont think so.
What will happen to me?
I guess there's nothing left to say. Feels like a black-out. All the thoughts are running through my head and when somebody speaks to me, I don't react. It's like I'm stuck somewhere else. Unreachable. Gone. Lost.
I've done so many stupid things in my life and if I could I would turn back time so I could undo all misstakes but hey, face it, it's not gonna happen. What have I done?
Just sitting here and sort out some stuff. Try to get my mind of something else but it's hard. I shouldn't even be here. I will as soon as possible call Rebecca. I need her. I want her here. I want her to give me a slap over the face and ask wtf are you doing?
But where am I supposed to go? What am I gonna do with my life? I just fuck everything up. Hurt the people close to me, building up fences and just push away. I wish I still had my dogs...
I am so sorry Rebecca. I understand. I really do. I've should have act better when you were where I am now. It's hard when you dont know what's about. But I do, now.
Fuck this, I am out of here.
I've done so many stupid things in my life and if I could I would turn back time so I could undo all misstakes but hey, face it, it's not gonna happen. What have I done?
Just sitting here and sort out some stuff. Try to get my mind of something else but it's hard. I shouldn't even be here. I will as soon as possible call Rebecca. I need her. I want her here. I want her to give me a slap over the face and ask wtf are you doing?
But where am I supposed to go? What am I gonna do with my life? I just fuck everything up. Hurt the people close to me, building up fences and just push away. I wish I still had my dogs...
I am so sorry Rebecca. I understand. I really do. I've should have act better when you were where I am now. It's hard when you dont know what's about. But I do, now.
I'm not the type to get my heart broken.
I'm not the type to get upset and cry.
Cause I never leave my heart open, never hurts me to say goodbye.
Relationships don't get deep to me, never got the whole in love thing.
And someone can say they love me truely, but at the time it didn't mean a thing.
My mind is gone, I'm spinning round.
And deep inside, my tears I'll drown.
I'm losing grip, what's happening?
I stray from love, this is how I feel...
This time was different, felt like I was just a victim.
And it cut me like a knife when you walked out of my life.
Now I'm in this condition and I've, got all the symptoms of girl with a broken heart, but no matter what you'll never see me cry.
Did it happen when we first kissed?
It's hurting me to let it go.
Maybe cause we spent so much time together,
and I know that it's no more.
I should never let you hold me, that's maybe why i'm sad to see us apart.
I didn't give to you on purpose, gotta figure out how you stole my heart.
Fuck this, I am out of here.
Gimmie more!
I am almost proud of myself! It was a very very long time ago since I was this active on my blog. It feels like I nearly deserve some kind of award... :)
Yay, happiest day of the week today! Lovely Friday! Too bad the weather sucks but hey, you can't have it all, sad but true. But that won't stop me from wearing my skirt. I don't know what it is but I always got this special feeling on Fridays. I am always happy and want to get nice clothes and I even put down some time on my make-up!
Today I am going down town. Don't know what or why Johan is going there but obviosly it's something he's gonna do. I got my Becca so I will be fine. She was gonna call me as soon as she was done at the hospital so I guess it will be around 14, and we are suppose to be in town around 13 so I guess that will be fine. Maybe me and Rebecca go to the shoppingmall and do what we are best of.
I really can't understand what's going on with me. I feel so strange. I know that I have been sick but I am almost good again but still I can't eat. Usually I am a sugaraddicted girl that never can have enough but now I can't even think about something good without feeling ill. I guess this is something I have to bring up with my better half when I see her. See if she felt the same symphom anytime. Yesterday I was making some Christmascandy which I usually eat up before it's done, I am that kind of monster, but yesterday I didn't even think it smelled good and I have eat 5 maybe. But everything is gonna be alright. I got a letter some days ago with a time when I am gonna see a doctor and it's only 11 days away. Will be interesting to see what she got to say about me. Always interseting... and this doctor I've never met before. Maybe it's time to start to eat alot so I have the right weight when I go there, otherwise they will send me back to the big hospital in Uddevalla, and that would be a shame since I recently got out of there. But it's a future problem and I will deal with it if needed if I come to that point.
Anyway, time to get dressed and make-uped. :)
Love Sarah
Yay, happiest day of the week today! Lovely Friday! Too bad the weather sucks but hey, you can't have it all, sad but true. But that won't stop me from wearing my skirt. I don't know what it is but I always got this special feeling on Fridays. I am always happy and want to get nice clothes and I even put down some time on my make-up!
Today I am going down town. Don't know what or why Johan is going there but obviosly it's something he's gonna do. I got my Becca so I will be fine. She was gonna call me as soon as she was done at the hospital so I guess it will be around 14, and we are suppose to be in town around 13 so I guess that will be fine. Maybe me and Rebecca go to the shoppingmall and do what we are best of.
I really can't understand what's going on with me. I feel so strange. I know that I have been sick but I am almost good again but still I can't eat. Usually I am a sugaraddicted girl that never can have enough but now I can't even think about something good without feeling ill. I guess this is something I have to bring up with my better half when I see her. See if she felt the same symphom anytime. Yesterday I was making some Christmascandy which I usually eat up before it's done, I am that kind of monster, but yesterday I didn't even think it smelled good and I have eat 5 maybe. But everything is gonna be alright. I got a letter some days ago with a time when I am gonna see a doctor and it's only 11 days away. Will be interesting to see what she got to say about me. Always interseting... and this doctor I've never met before. Maybe it's time to start to eat alot so I have the right weight when I go there, otherwise they will send me back to the big hospital in Uddevalla, and that would be a shame since I recently got out of there. But it's a future problem and I will deal with it if needed if I come to that point.
Anyway, time to get dressed and make-uped. :)
Love Sarah
